I Don't Know Who I Am

4/14/2017



I don't know who I am. This is in no way an exaggeration, nor have I actually lost my mind. It is also too early to have a mid life crisis so I wouldn't call it that, I figure.

I don't know who I am because I'm so many. There are so many layers that I find in myself, new ones, resurfacing ones, completely new ones that I didn't know existed.

I don't know who I am because I listen to old-school records, yet dance to the most mainstream crap.

I don't know who I am because I don't think I've ever truly been in love, yet know so much about it.

I don't know who I am because I aspire to be like those who know what niche they're in and what exactly their style is, yet I don't understand how that is supposed to work when I like cutesy girly dresses this week when last week I wore all grunge.

I don't know who I am because I get anxious with phone calls, yet want to work in the Tourism and Event management department where it is my job to interact with people.

I don't know who I am because I give great advice that is helpful for many, yet I struggle taking my own advice when I really need it and when I know that's what I have to do.

I don't know who I am because I wish I had those cool artistic and mutual friends and yet hang out with more shallow people that I don't entirely understand.

I don't know who I am because my wishes and needs contradict themselves most of the times and I have no idea what I'm doing, yet seem to have it all together.

I don't know who I am because I want to share my thoughts but not overshare because that's weird, yet I don't give two pieces of crap about how weird it is when I don't put a filter on myself to be accepted.

I don't know who I am because my passions are what give me happiness, yet I can't truly go through with all of them because I have responsibilities, but I'm not independent enough either to drop everything for them.

I don't know who I am because at times I'm the most reserved person in the world when all other days I'm so open and craving socialising with those around me because they might put a smile on my face and that means I won't have to do it myself.

I don't know who I am because I would give anything for anyone and act for their happiness before mine, yet I'm so greedy when it comes to feelings I cannot bear.

Do you know who you are?

Until then – I probably still won't know,
Arden

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