So, this is embarrassing. And kind of terrifying to me. I don't know if I'm the only one but I hope I'm not because I feel like I'm the only one shitbat crazy. I don't know when it started honestly but I know I'm at fault for causing my own paranoia. Don't laugh at me but I honestly think my paranoia was triggered by watching shows like, for example, Criminal Minds. Anyone who knows the series or a similar one, you know the show and similar shows are about murderers, their victims and pretty intense plot twists.
Let me elaborate on how paranoid I actually am.
- I need to close my doors properly, always. House doors preferably with the keys even though I'm alone. I think someone could break in whilst I'm sleeping.
- I keep a knife underneath my pillow. Stay away, creeps. Bitch is gonna get cuuuut.
- Sometimes I keep the little light on to be able to sleep.
- Walking home at night is a nightmare. I get anxious and keep looking around and behind me to make sure nobody suddenly bursts out of their vans and snatches me away. Sometimes I'm startled by my own foot steps.
- I get anxious walking home or somewhere else when drunk obnoxious men are following me and talking loudly at me. Immediately I think I could get raped.
- My mum's door to the living room where I sleep on the couch is semi-transparent and at night, without lenses or glasses on, I sometimes think I see something behind it and get freaked out until I shine my light on it and am reassured there's nothing.
- On the streets sometimes I'm afraid someone will steal from me even though it's unlikely. (Someone snatching my phone out of my hand, etc.)
Thing is, I know it's all irrational. It's stupid. Why would anyone barge into Mum's home when we live in a flat in a building with 10 floors? Why would someone try to barge into my student apartment at night when I'm sleeping? Why would anyone hide in the bushes to wait for me and get me? Why would someone wait in that white huge van in the parking lot to kidnap young women?
But I can't help it. It's irrational but it kickstarts my anxiety so much. I said, "I should stop watching those shows. They're interesting and grab me but dude, they make me paranoid as hell. This isn't good." But do I stop? No, absolutely not. It's such a good show, so why would I? I'm deeply interested in crimonology and serial killers' thoughts and back stories. So it would be pretty hard to keep myself away from such shows and documentaries. So I either stop watching or accept I'm a pussy.
Honestly my interest in such kind of topics are the only cause I can think of that triggers my paranoia like that.
Oh, and news about serial killers not being caught yet. And this is a conflict I wish I could solve so I can enjoy researching on what I'm interested in (now I must sound like a freaking psychopathic woman, I am sorry, I swear I am not) whilst not being so damn paranoid.
There are days where I'm fine and I go home without looking around for once (okay maybe once, but not twice). But this is something I got conscious about so I decided to write about it.
Guys, can you relate?
Until then – stay cautious,