Going To Therapy Pt. III


I sit in a coffee shop as I write this and just burned my tongue on my Latte. Beside me lies a bunch of papers that I just finished filling out. A multiple choice test on my personality. A Draw My Life in written and nerve-wrecking version. My head is somewhere in limbo, gaze fading away into the distance. It took a while to fill out these forms but I think it was worth it. I thought about myself on a deeper level for once. I got to know more about myself as I picked my choices and really thought about myself from a view from someone from the outside.

Strange. This is the word I use to describe how I feel right now. I don't know what is to come. All I know is that it cannot possibly be worse. If anything, I'll know. Something. Maybe not everything, not every solution. But pretty much more than I know right now.

My first impression of my therapist was that she wasn't cold, not warm either. She was very attentive and understanding. And she pointed some things out that made me startle because she was so correct. She put my feelings into words and I nodded, sometimes denied and explained some more. She nodded, understood, noted things down. I wonder what image of me she has in her mind. Probably helpless, but hopeful.

On my phone I type down numbers in a diary app. This is what I call the daily log. In the morning, at 10 A.M., at noon, at 3 P.M. and in the evening I write down numbers describing my mood. The range goes from –5 to +5 and every once in a while we will check the numbers and see what caused my down but also high moments. This is where I see what exactly makes me happy and comfortable and what drives me nuts. This is how I'll be able to try and get rid of (or at least avoid) the things that bring me down and write a list of things, situations and people that bring me up.

This is definitely improvement, I think. Yet I know it's only the beginning.

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