Going To Therapy: Step I
Today's post will be a lot of rambling and maybe even confusing. But getting that out of the way, here goes nothing. My journey to therapy sessions that I desperately need.
Realizing you need therapy isn't pretty at first, that I can say. I never thought I'd be "one of them". Thinking that way is almost offensive, shame on me. But that is exactly what I thought. Back then. Back then when I thought I had it all together. God, was I wrong.
There's so much in my life, not just what's going on right now, and I'm not only talking about the every day struggles in my life currently. There's also my past, the things I've done, the things I haven't done, the things that were done to me.
And the people who tainted what I loved and the people that I hated that I loved and the ones I hated but loved. Nothing has a formula. And I need help. I always needed help, just never wanted to accept that. I was so very convinced it was okay to feel so off, to feel anxious, to feel depressed 5 days out of 7.
No, it's not. It's not okay. It's okay that it's not okay but if it's not okay then I can change it. Maybe not over night. Of course not. But step after step after step after crawling. I don't want to feel like this anymore, not when I know exactly how I will wake up tomorrow and how I will view the things in life that should be fucking beautiful.
Everything is a mess. I am a mess. Everyone is a mess at some point. We're all in a web and we struggle to get out of it and some people succeed and some people give up because it's gotten comfortable.
Don't get comfortable. Get better. So that's why I called up all the therapists I could find in this town of crazy people and I kept calling even though most were already full of patients and I kept calling until one of them told me to wait a week until she knew whether she could put me on the list for sure.
"There are loads of first sessions with patients that I still haven't had. And it's not sure whether they'll need to have further therapy. I'll let you know if some space will clear up."
I already know that I would definitely need to go into further therapy because this is a step I take because I know I'm unwell. A step that I take because I know I'll cry before even telling her my name. That's going to be a hell of a first session.
Until then – take care of yourself,