Seriously Ashamed - Self Judgement & Assault

9/01/2016


Hello guys, you're back to a quite serious topic this time. I've been pondering a lot about whether or not to write this post but eventually I just had to get things off my chest. This is a personal experience that I haven't shared with many people but now I want to because I feel like this is something that cannot go unnoticed. I don't know if talking about this publicly is good or bad or inappropriate or wanted. But I'm just going to hit publish and see where this takes me. I cannot be the only one feeling this way.

About a month ago I was manipulated and talked into having sex with someone even though I really did not want to. A strong, independent woman like me should've stood up for myself but I didn't. And I can tell you why. I can't guarantee that you will understand but I can tell you why I was so numb about something that terrible.

He was being nice, yet I realized and I noticed that he was pushing me, that he was talking me into things and manipulating me. He wasn't violent in any way. But that doesn't mean rape doesn't happen just because they weren't violently pushing you into sleeping with them.

In that moment I felt as if I shouldn't disappoint him. Which is stupid, of course I know that, but in that moment I didn't think I could just push him away. I was scared and numb. And for a second I thought I wanted it, too. But then I quickly realized what was happening and I just ... I guess I blanked. I was numb. I couldn't say or do anything. Because in that moment it doesn't feel real. It feels as if you were watching yourself from outer space or something and you don't want to actually believe this kind of thing is happening to you. 

I was so, so ashamed. Afterwards especially because that's when it actually sunk in. And I still feel so ashamed and bash myself over how I didn't stop it. I wish I could have but it's not easy to understand for people who haven't been in the situation. You really do fall numb. And I don't have the biggest confidence, or maybe I don't have the best mental stability. But I just couldn't stop it.

Sometimes flashes of what happened come to my mind when I'm having the best time with my family or friends. And I haven't even told most of them because I think they would worry too much and make me feel more vulnerable by worrying about me so much. And I'm managing but still find myself feeling disgusted because for some reason I feel bad when he should.

Now I really, actually understand. You can't just report someone and it will be done with. Because it haunts you every day of your life and no matter how you handled the situation afterwards, no matter what this person got as a punishment, this disgusting feeling stays.

It stays and lingers and eats up your brain to the point you consciously and subconsciously build a wall around yourself and suddenly you're not that outgoing anymore and suddenly you're not as keen on body touch and hugging everyone. It does change you.

So, I don't really know where I'm going with this post. Am I just rambling out my thoughts or am I trying to help people stand up to whoever ever made them feel like they were at fault when they weren't? Do I want to encourage people to talk about it? I don't know.

I just would love the awareness. More awareness. There are so many stories out there, similar ones and worse ones. And even ones where it fortunately never got so far. Every story matters. And I would like to encourage people to have a little re-think. Are you happy? Do you really want it? Or do you just want to please the person so they won't be disappointed? Stand up for yourself. You're more than what that person tells you. Don't be manipulated. Fight for yourself.

Well, now I think most of my loved ones or friends will know what really happened when I felt so off for a couple weeks. If they'll get to reading this, that is. But there's one thing I want to tell my friends and also you, my lovely readers. I know you're here for me and care for me and I appreciate that more than you think, even if you're just a passers-by reader. And if I need to talk about it any more, I will. But I'm just a normal girl whom things happened to. And I'm writing about this now because I feel better now. About the whole situation. I'm not pregnant or anything. I feel well and healthy again. I'm back to my feet. I'm back to socializing more. There are bad days where it overwhelms me. But I'm managing.

Until then - stay safe,
Arden

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