Getting over someone you never had

12/18/2015


Let me just say up front: I haven't found a cure for this yet. I'm only nineteen, in the midst of broken hearts and crushed pieces of my romantic dignity. Getting over someone I never had - I've had to deal with this for as long as I can remember.

I've had boyfriends in the past, not many, but enough to get to learn about relationships, how they shouldn't work and how they should work. 

But I've had much more crushes than boyfriends and I know I'm not the only one when I say I feel like I've struggled more than my friends who had to get over their exes because I had to try and get over people I've never had in the first place.

Now you might think that this is absolute bull. Hannie, how could you possibly dare to say you're hurt when you've never been hurt by your crush because you've never even been together in the first place? 

But let me explain myself. I'm not saying I'm hurting more than any of my friends whose hearts have been broken by shameless buttheads and arrogant mind-twisters. I'm not saying I have deeper scars than others out there. I'm just saying that, in my opinion at least, it is harder to get over someone I've never had because liking someone you've never had creates this blissful, thrilling image in your head - about how well you'd fit together, about how amazing you'd be as a couple and how your similar views would benefit a lot from being in a relationship - that never got to shatter in reality. 

It's another story if I would have to get over an ex because I'd know what went wrong, I'd know for sure why it didn't work out or who failed in the relationship. If I knew my ex was an ass for doing something unacceptable, I'd get over him way easier. And because I was in that situation myself, I know for sure that it was way easier for me to get over my exes. 

So when I eventually tell myself that I have to move on from this particular perfect human being, I find myself struggling a lot because that person has not done anything wrong, nor have they upset me in any way. So in my mind, I still think they're oh so perfect and oh so amazing. Now, how do I get over something that would have so much potential in my mind? Wouldn't that be a waste, a pity? 

It's taken me half a year to get over someone like that. Yes, half a year to get over someone I imagined a possible future with but never got to experience being in a relationship with him. I know some of you might be in the same position. So here is how I've managed to get over someone I never had: 


1. I spent (lots and lots of) time with my friends. 


Not to talk about that person but to get my mind off of that person. We went eating, we went to the movies, we went to home parties and clubs. I didn't get wasted until I could no more but I did have a great time with my friends every time we went and that was all that mattered until I eventually started to heal. 


2 I tried out new stuff. 


That was especially easy because I only moved away from my home town (where that person lives) a few months ago and was able to discover a lot of new locations and activities in the new city. 

3. I deleted our conversations on my phone.


Not seeing them on your feed on WhatsApp helps. Not seeing their goddamn gorgeous profile picture every time you're trying to talk to other people will help even more. Now I don't know how hard or easy it is for you at the moment to avoid your deep crush that you try so hard to forget but if there is a way, do it.

4. I met new people. 


Which was also pretty easy because I'm now somewhere different and got to know many new people at work and at college. Meeting new people means getting to feel appreciated or noticed again. Meeting new people widens your horizons because they might have been through similar stuff or even worse. You learn from people and sometimes you adapt their attitude. 


5. I watched my TV shows. 


Watching Pretty Little Liars and Gossip Girl on binge-watch mode got me through as well because they do help you realize that that particular person may or may not be your soulmate and if it's not supposed to happen, it probably won't. And that's okay. There are many other guys out there and your life has only just begun. 

6. I realized there are really plenty fish in the sea.


Really. I know it sounds like such a basic sentence to shove someone in the face when they're feeling super lonely and heartbroken. When my friends kept telling me that, I got annoyed, too. But I hope one day you will too realize that there are really more guys out there who are amazing as well, who will like the same books as you do or even know books you haven't heard of yet but you would enjoy. There are more guys who'll share your music taste. There are more guys who'll share your humour and who'll make you laugh whenever. Just because you don't know where to look doesn't mean you won't be able to find them. 

7. If none of this helps: Confess or ask.


Be direct. Get your answers. You can get rejected or not but at least you'll know. Don't wait for something to happen for five long years. Don't waste your time for someone who won't acknowledge you if you could be flirting shamelessly with other people. Life really is too short for this back and forth playing. Fun fact: One night I was out with my coworkers for a birthday party and after one drink I just so decided to give that person a call and confront him with all of my questions. I got my answers and it was only a few days before New Years Eve and trust me, oh, it felt so good to start anew that way.

If you'd like to know my story concerning this, do tell me so in the comments because I won't hesitate to tell you more about what happened and why I had to try and get over him in the first place. 

Hopefully some of this helps you and if these tips don't apply to your situation or are really hard to execute, I'm sorry! This is just how I managed to do it. 

From a girl whose crushes go deep,
Arden. 

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